You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Randomize
