Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
