I'm so fucking centered right now
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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