Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
