ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
