I should be sponsored by Trojan
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
