people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
