I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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