I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
