i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
