Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
