i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
