You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
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I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
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I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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