I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
