I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
