I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
