Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
