nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
