Texts From Last Night

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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Non-Jews are for practice

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  (617): Non-Jews are for practice http://tfl.nu/ikoa
  Replies (27) Good night (1346) Bad night (727)
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?

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  (540): Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift? http://tfl.nu/ixd3
  Replies (53) Good night (1871) Bad night (5836)
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Haha. Niice.

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  both.

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  (479): So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack. (307): Haha. Niice. (479): Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered. (307): both. http://tfl.nu/wvm3
  Replies (46) Good night (6101) Bad night (974)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.

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  (570): You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol. http://tfl.nu/n8ii
  Replies (11) Good night (996) Bad night (3492)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

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  (978): Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween http://tfl.nu/fww2
  Replies (38) Good night (6426) Bad night (1394)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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  (519): He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid. (604): HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES http://tfl.nu/zs3p
  Replies (26) Good night (5314) Bad night (1504)
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"

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  (250): Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole" http://tfl.nu/hdok
  Replies (11) Good night (1406) Bad night (2810)
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  (415): View more from California

  Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point

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  (415): Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point http://tfl.nu/8yzz
  Replies (2) Good night (1330) Bad night (1228)
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  (518): View more from New York

  we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well

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  (518): we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well http://tfl.nu/pd1v
  Replies (5) Good night (1444) Bad night (621)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.

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  (817): I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information. http://tfl.nu/ct01
  Replies (3) Good night (1230) Bad night (808)
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?

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  (956): Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone? http://tfl.nu/ptfa
  Replies (7) Good night (1193) Bad night (589)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom

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  (719): The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom http://tfl.nu/023b
  Replies (4) Good night (664) Bad night (1613)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..

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  (614): This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day.. http://tfl.nu/r5zy
  Replies (4) Good night (1091) Bad night (362)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something

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  (630): He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something http://tfl.nu/27wi
  Replies (2) Good night (620) Bad night (273)
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions

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  (985): Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions http://tfl.nu/zlhz
  Replies (1) Good night (182) Bad night (294)

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