I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
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He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
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Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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