he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
