Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
