i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
