i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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