Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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