I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
