evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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