she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
