hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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