mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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