jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
