He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My penis needs a shock collar
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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