im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
