You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I will be naked everywhere
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
