So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
