We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
