Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
