On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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