i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
