Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
