Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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