I think my fart just growled at me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
