Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
