Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
