Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
