Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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