My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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