and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
