I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
