Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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