ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't deserve a penis
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
