you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
