theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
