Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
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woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
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I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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