The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
