I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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