Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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