dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
