Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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