Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
