peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I got inside last night via doggy door
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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