i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
