If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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