Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
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i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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