I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Come on in and take your pants off
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